BABY FEVER, SURGERY, & RECOVERY

   I am actually kind of surprised I am blogging right now, because I have been so exhausted for the past couple of days since I have came home from the hospital (more on that in a bit). I was trying to fall asleep while I was watching TV, and I was just reading and looking up stuff online (a usual routine I do to fall asleep every night), but I just couldn't fall asleep. I have just over everything on TV, and online, while I was reading one thing, my mind was on another thing.
   Since I have been having people come down to help take care of me, my daughter, and my home. I feel like it's the first time in a really long time, where I could just look at my daughter and soak up everything that she is doing. Before, I would be doing things like trying to clean, or make food, or take care of something else. I would watch my daughter of course, but I felt like I always had something else on the back of my head that had to be done, and this kind of caused me anxiety. But since I have someone here, I know things are being taken care of, so I am totally 100% worry free. So now I can really watch my daughter and think about nothing, but her.
   I just can't get over how she is going to be eleven months in a couple of days... then... one year. Where did the time go? It went by so fast. I look at her, and all I can do is smile. She's just so beautiful, so smart, so funny, she is just a baby filled with all this love and curiosity. It's just so beautiful... so amazing to be a mother, and having a child of your own. Sometimes I still can't get over the face about how I am actually a mother, and how I do have a child on my own. How I actually carried her inside of me and now how she is actually here. It still kind of feels surreal...
   Lately, I have been thinking of having another one. Carrying another beautiful life inside of me, feeling the baby's little movements, wondering if it will be a boy or girl, then meeting this boy or girl. Maybe it will be one baby? Or maybe two? I wonder how my daughter will be with the role of being a big sister. I think she will be an amazing big sister.
   While this all pops up in my head, I have to remind myself, that I am not quite ready yet to have another baby. The first reason would be, because I fractured my fucking tibia, there is no way in hell I am in any position to carry a baby (LOL). Even my body knew it wasn't time, because once I broke my tibia, I totally began to have spotting (OH YEAH, IMA GET ALL NASTY UP IN HEA!). I knew the spotting was accident related, because my body knew, "yeah, no way in hell you are getting knocked up like this bitch, LOL, NOOOOO WAYYYY!).
   The second reason would be, I am not ready financially. SUREEE, I am going to school, and SURREEE my husband has a career. But that's the thing... I am still in school, my husband has a career... but I don't... (yet). It would be too much pressure financially on my husband, and I want to at least be finished with school, or close to being finished in school if I get pregnant again, and I would like to have my career started already so I can also bring in some income, and make sure my family has everything they need AND more.
   Sometimes I am hard on myself, and I am like, "Damn... why am I finishing school so late?", "If I finished I would have a career right now, and I could be able to have another baby". But you know... life happens and I had a bit of rough spots in my life for a while. But I am going to school NOW, and I am going to FINISH. My husband is doing an amazing job of supporting us. I should not be so hard on myself. The time will come when we can bring an extra life into our lives, just not yet, and that's okay :). I really have to learn to stop being so hard on myself.
   So anyways, totally wanted to blog that out. Let's talk about life since we last talked. Since we last talked... I was talking about Super Mario Land 2 lol. I haven't talked to you about what has happened since the accident and such. So anyways... The day before I did that post (July 20th), I went to the hospital to get my CT scan done, so I can give it to my doctor, and then be able to schedule my long awaited surgery. The CT scan was cool, I was able to get it done ASAP, and the next day I got a call from the orthopedic's office, saying the NEXT day (July 22) I would be having surgery.
   Now speaking of surreal, that moment totally felt surreal, as I could not believe this surgery was finally freaking happening. So I spent most of the day with my daughter,  I took a sponge bath, I got my body pre-op ready that night, and then I went to bed pretty early, because the next day I had to wake up pretty early.
   The next day I woke up around 6 o'clock (my appointment was at 07:30 AM). I brushed my teeth, washed my face, brushed my hair,  put on clean clothes, and got ready to go to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital, checked in, and now began to get surgery ready. I had my weight checked,  my vitals taken, gave a urine sample, I wiped myself down again with these pre-op wipes, I got into my gown with my little head cover, and booties, had an IV put in me, and then from there it was the waiting game.
   09:40 AM rolls around, and they start heading me to the surgery room. Again, we were waiting again, while I was waiting, I met with my doctor, and her team. My doctor was telling me what kind of fracture I had and how severe it was (it was the highest level of a fracture you could get), and all the things she was going to be doing to my leg during the surgery. She said I would be staying over night, maybe more depending on the pain. My husband couldn't believe how bad the fracture was, because I got this fracture from neither a sport nor from a physical contact injury, but from a damn trampoline lol, it was unbelievable.
   Soon enough, 10:44 AM rolls around, and next thing you know, "Alright, it's time to go! Let's do this!" I give my husband a kiss, and then I head into the actual surgery room. I see all these people, my x-rays on this huge as screen, and then they had switch me over to another table. All I could remember them saying was they were going to put something in my IV, and it was going to come on strong, and SHIT! IT SURE DID! I remember just going "WOW!" and "WOW!" again lol.
   I think they put something in my back as well, but I don't remember. The last thing I honestly remember was talking about my daughter, and then me breathing in this mask, and I was knocked out.
   I remember waking up, and it was around 07:30 PM... and I was still tired, dazed, and confused, but I remember thinking to myself, holy shit is it late! But I had no energy to say anything or stay up, so I went back to sleep.
   Before the surgery happened, my doctor was saying the surgery was going to be approximately three hours, but if it has to be longer, it will be longer. And it was... about five hours. She also said I was suppose to be in the recovery room for about two hours (but of course, if I needed to be in there longer, I would be), and which I did, and that was about three hours.. So, needless to say, it was a really long day. I don't remember much after that, I just remember going into my room, and just feeling so sick, and out of it.
   I remember my husband called to see how I was doing, and to find out what room number I was in. I had no clue, and he was like, "??? okay..." (lol), but I do remember telling him to not bring me any food, because I did not feel good. That day I remember I was so excited, and looking forward to having Greek food after surgery. I really wanted a gyro, and I remember telling my husband to please bring me a gyro. But I didn't get served any gyro after surgery... just a big bowl of PAIN! LOL.

   After my husband left the night, the next couple of days began to get pretty intense. I thought having the pins and bars in my leg were hard, but after this surgery... NOTHING was compared to it. My leg felt so foreign, so numb, so swollen, and heavy. My leg just didn't feel like it was apart of me. Through out that night, and the following day I was given morphine and percocet to help control the pain, while it was suppose to, it quite didn't. 

   The pain was just becoming too much for me. I had my doctor, my nurses, and my physical therapists checking on me, while they wanted to see some progress so they could send me home, I wasn't giving any. I was just in too weak, and in too much pain, and was even crying at some points. So, naturally, I ended up staying the night. The doctor had decided to give me a stronger medicine to help control the pain, which luckily the medicine did (YAY!). The next day was pretty bad, I remember just feeling SUPER tired, not the normal tired I would usually get from my medicine, but just like a WEAK tired.

   This caught the attention of the nurses, because not only was I so severely tired, but I began loosing  the color in my skin. I told the nurses I felt like I was having trouble breathing. When I told them exactly what I was feeling (it felt like someone was stepping on my chest), they told me that I was having chest pains. This concerned my doctor, so then my doctor ordered a blood transfusion for me. So for about 8 hours, I was given two bags of blood for the transfusion. I had a lot of super vision, and tests done to make sure I wasn't having any kind of negative reaction, and to make sure my health was improving. And to my surprise, my health was, I was starting to feel more like my old self, then that constant weak tired I was feeling. 

   I stood overnight in the hospital again, and by the next day I was ready to go home. I started to feel really homesick in the hospital. I missed my daughter, my husband, my mother in law (she was taking care of me that week), my home, and honestly, I missed some damn good food (gyro or not, lol). I didn't eat that much in the hospital, one, because I had no appetite, and two, because it was all kind of gross. I mostly had water, apple juice, fruit, and some cereal, and milk, and that was enough. 

   They gave me the okay to go home, but looking back on it now I probably should have stayed one more night in the hospital. Going back home was a bitch, before the surgery, I was able to hop into the front seat of the car, sit in a semi-comfortable angle, and handle a short car rise. But after the surgery, I had to sit in the back seats of the car. I had to have someone help me in with my leg, and then my husband pull me from the other side so I could get my whole body in. This was to help keep my leg elevated, and make sure I would feel no pain. 

   When I got back into the house, that was a bit of a bitch too. Before the surgery, I was able to transport myself easily between using my walker, going to my bed or to the couch, transporting myself into my wheelchair, etc. But after the surgery, if I moved a wrong way, even by a small inch, I would get tremendous pain, so bad it would leave me in tears (and that was moving my body even with help). But luckily, I found a way to  be able to move my body, not as easily, but I don't get as much pain as I did before, and that's always nice. 

   Since I have been home, I have kind of did the same things I was doing before my big surgery (resting, watching TV, etc.) Just this time around, I am resting a lot more, because my leg still does hurt a lot, today is actually the first time where my leg feels like it's actually MY leg. Though my bars, and pins are out, my brace makes my leg feel heavier this time around. 

Before

After

   Sometimes I do get bored with laying around watching TV and stuff, but my daughter keeps my days bright and shining, and I began picking up cross stitching again. I am trying to stay positive, after all, this is all positive, as I am finally healing now, and it's one step toward walking once again ^_^.

   Alright everyone, it's time for me to go to bed, it's late, and I took my meds, and they are starting kicking in! Hope to blog again soon! Good night!!

_BLAZE

SUPER MARIO LAND 2

    Alright, so I am not exactly sure how to start off this post, so I will just write what I think, and hopefully this blog post will work itself out. So, first and foremost, since many of you are starting to get to know me. I have been a pretty big gamer most of my life. I started playing games when I was about seven years old (I will get to that later on in time), and somehow the habit never stopped. I mostly played old school beat em up games, fighting games, and RPGs, and of course as I got older, I just continued to play fighting games and RPGs.
   Though I played mostly beat em up, fighting games, and RPGs, I did try out other genres of games of course, and a few of these games were from the Mario franchise of Nintendo. You heard of Mario, right?

   If you haven't played the games, you have heard of him, right?

    Of course you do, everyone and their baby's mama knows who Mario is. If you don't, I have no clue what to tell you except, "WHAT THE FUCK?!". So anyways, I was originally going to say, "Though, I have played the Super Mario games, I have actually never finished one". But looking back on it... actually I kind of did. I finished the Paper Mario series, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, and these other games I never really finished, but basically won at was the Game & Watch Gallery series, Dr. Mario series, the Mario Kart series, the Super Smash Bros. series, and the Mario Party series. But now I can add a new game to that list of completed Mario games, and that game is Super Mario Land 2.

   See growing up, though I played these numerous Super Mario games, but I actually never beat any of the Super Mario platform games, and to be quite honest, I never had any motivation to, because I found them to be really quite hard. But I have seen them been finished before thanks to my oldest brother, Daniel. Daniel is about eight years older than me, so he grew up in the NES, and SNES era. So our bonding time (with me, and all my brothers) was playing video games. Either we played together or we watched someone else play. This was always fun, and though we have all grown up, got jobs, worked, have babies, gone to school, etc. whenever we had that free time to just sit down together, and play, that was our special time. So whenever I wanted to see an old school Mario game be played, Daniel was the one to count on, and he was the one who always got it done.

   Later in time when the new Mario games came out like Super Mario 64 or Super Mario Sunshine, those games were left for my little brother, Ryan. Ryan is about two years younger than me, and he played the Mario games from the N64 era until now. So when Ryan played these games, I usually would just sit back and watch. So once again, if I wanted to see a NEW school Mario game to be played, Ryan was the one to count on, and he was the one who always got it done.

   So how did I... BLAZE... all of a sudden decide to play Super Mario Land 2, and actually finish the game? Well... there is two things that caused this wonderful event to happen. The first one is:

YES, THE SEXY LEG

and

Oh, Nintendo, you!

And this is Mii (lol, get it, like "me"?)

And this is what my Mii looks as of right now.
(She is trying to take a shit, LOL, JK!)

 

 
   YES! YES! LOL! My freakin' fractured tibia, and the Nintendo Miitomo app. For those of you who don't know what Miitomo is, Miitomo is a free social networking app developed by Nintendo for iOS, and Android devices. It lets you converse, dress up, earn coins (coins for Nintendo rewards, and coins to buy clothes for your Mii), answer questions, play little drop games to earn clothes, and accessories for your Mii, and you can link it to your Twitter, and Facebook accounts. Since I usually play my 3DS more than anything right now, you know damn well I got up on this app once it came out. 

   So basically over time, I saved up enough coins to get some stuff from my Nintendo Rewards. I got some accessories for my Mii, and then I got WarioWare: Touched!, and Super Mario Land 2. Let me remind you, I got all those for free. I did not have to pay anything, all I used were my coins from Miitomo. I was originally just saving my coins for WarioWare, but since I had a little extra left over, I decided to get Super Mario Land 2, because... why the hell not?

   It was downloaded, and I had it on my 3DS for a while, but I never attempted to play it until I fractured my tibia. So one day, while I was laying in bed, with nothing really to do, I wanted to play something NEW, something FRESH, something a little different from what I was use to playing. So I thought to myself, "Oh, why the hell not? Just play a level, it wouldn't freaking hurt". Next thing I knew that one level turned into me playing one zone, then after a couple of days, I was doing a zone a day. Then one day, I was just having so much fun, I ending up doing all the rest of the zones, and  I was even searching for all the secret levels, and next thing you know... I collected all of the 6 golden coins, and it was time to face Wario. 

   I couldn't believe I did it all by myself, and I couldn't believe I had the balls to continue. See, with the other Mario platform games when I was younger, I just use to be so scared. I would get nervous about the upcoming challenges, freak out, and then mess up, and have to start over. After a while it got old, and hence why I never beat any of the Mario platform games... until recently. 

   So after I grew my pair of balls, I went to Wario's castle, and decided it was time to kick ass, and chew bubble gum, and I was all out of gum. The last level was hard (as it should be), I died a couple of times, but... BUT... in the end, I did make it, and I did come face to face with Wario.

   Like many of the bosses in the game, Wario was no different, and definitely did give me a challenge. But it was worth it, and in the end, I definitely came out victorious. I remember beating the game, and thinking to myself, "Wow... I did it... I actually freakin' did it. I beat Super Mario Land 2". While the victory was amazing, I was also a little sad, because the adventure had ended. 

   You know growing up, I always wondered why my big bro and my little bro were so attached to Mario and these games. Especially my little bro, Mario is his hero, and holds an incredibly special place in his heart. They could play the games over, and over again (and beat them!), but for whatever reason I could not get into them (but I did enjoy watching them being played).

   But once I beat the game, I think I finally understood why my brothers loved the Mario games so much, and why they loved to replay them, and I also understand why other people do the same. The adventure was just amazing, from the different zones, the different obstacles, the different enemies, the different challenges, the power ups, the fun mini games, etc. It was all just really fun! And to be quite honest, I never thought I was going to have as much fun as I did (and I am not going to lie though, that save point method on the 3DS was super helpful for helping me finish the game).

   In the end, I was bummed it was all over, but I was glad I played the game. I just want to say thank you so much Mario for the adventure. Though it may not really seem like a big deal, this game left a special place in my heart. It has been so long since I had a lot of fun with a video game. Again, thank you so much Mario for the adventure! It was an amazing one! I hope we go on more adventures soon!

'Till we play again!

_BLAZE

FRIDA

Almost, but not quite...

   I am not really a big selfie person, but when these pictures were taken, it was one of my best friend Claudia's bachelorette weekend (hence why my shirt says, "BRIDE TRIBE"! Her last days of the single life before she becomes a wife! So my make up was looking nice, my hair was kinda working with me, and I was feeling my clothes, and the celebration was amazing. These were the last joyful pictures of me, and will be for a while, because... this happened. 

   I severely fractured my tibia. while this accident does sound silly, it sure as FUCK was not lol. I was at a trampoline place called, "SKY ZONE", I remember I was sitting down with my daughter (OH YES! I HAS A BAY-BUH!), and watching my husband (OH YES! I IS MARRIED!) and his friends jump. They were all getting tired, and then asked me to go. At first I was hesitant (even that day I was thinking of not going, because I was tired), but after everyone convinced me to go on, and bounce, I did. I was jumping, and I remember hearing my husband's friend say, "GO HIGHER!", and I said, "No! I'm scarred!", and his friend was like, "JUST DO IT! IT'LL WILL BE WORTH IT!", so I did it, and I remember I did end up going higher (actually really high), and I remember thinking to myself, "WOW! This is really high, I'm scarred!" I went up great, but when I came down, all I could hear was, "POP!"

"FUCK!!!!!"

"SHITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"

   All I could honestly remember was screaming my husband's name, and everyone telling me to calm down.

BITCH! I JUST FUCKED UP MY LEG! WTF!

   Everyone believed I either popped the bone out of place, or I tore a muscle, but I already knew something was wrong... something was very, very wrong. I knew I somehow, someway I broke it.

   After I was put in the ambulance, I received morphine, and arrived at the hospital. They took my vitals, I had x-rays done, CT scans, and was given a lot more morphine. After all that mess, it turned out I was not trippin' and I indeed fractured my bone, my tibia to be exact. 

   I was bummed, I was so bummed, because I knew it was going to take time to heal, and I was going to have multiple surgeries. The surgeon said my knee won't ever be like it use to. It'll get better, but it won't ever be like what it use to be. My husband's family had to come down and take care of my daughter, while my husband stood the night with me, in the hospital.

   The following morning I went into surgery, and had my external fixator put in. I stood in the hospital for about five days, and this is when it all started to emotionally hit me (LOL! Because even though it literally all hit me (the physical pain) this shit was way different).

   The first part that was the hardest was being away from my daughter. I have woken up almost every moment and every day since I gave birth to her and see her beautiful, shining smile. Now I was waking up to take some morphine or percocet to make the pain go away, or waking up to have doctors or nurses talk to me. Going to the bathroom started to become a bitch. First, they had me use a female urinal, and after I got annoyed of that, I forced myself to walk to the toilet. While that seems easy, it actually wasn't. My fixator was huge, and it was heavy, and if I didn't have anything to support my leg, it HURT. Sometimes I would stop drinking water, because going to the bathroom, was just so painful (for my leg) and difficult (you can't bend you leg, so you are almost crooked on the toilet), I just didn't find it to be worth it. 

   While something simple as going to the bathroom was hard for me, walking and transportation was harder. They started me with physical therapy ASAP, and while I was literally just recovering from hours within surgery. They began teaching me how to use my new equipment I was going to be using. I was given a wheel chair, crutches, and a walker. The crutches were a little hard for me, but the walker I was able to use with ease. 

   The first thing they had me do was walk from point A to point B, a short distance, maybe three feet, maybe more, and I couldn't believe how hard it was. How weak I was, how out of breathe. It was just a complete 180 from everything I have known. I knew it was difficult then, but it wasn't until I got home where I learned it was going to get harder. 

   The first day I went home, my parents were waiting for me at the hospital with my baby girl. She was so excited to see me. I was so overjoyed to hold her and kiss her, and I was happy to just have her in my arms. Shortly after my husband arrived with our car, and it was time for me to go home. My parents took my daughter into their car with some of my equipment, and my husband (with the help of the transfer people from the hospital), got me into the car with the rest of my equipment... and it sucked. 

   I couldn't get any support on my leg, and it was so painful. Remember I couldn't bend my leg, so I had my leg sticking out, and almost getting pushed down because of the foot area inside of the car. Anything I did just made it uncomfortable, and on top of that, I had a lot of pressure from being pushed down because of the foot area. I couldn't wait to get home...

   When I got home it was bittersweet. I was happy to be home, but it just seemed it wasn't going to work for me. My house wasn't really wheelchair accessible, it was a hot mess, and I remember just going into the house and just crying. I just felt so helpless and weak. I have always done things for myself, and now that I wasn't able to... I just felt so... useless.

   Of course, my husband, and my family tried to comfort me, but I was just so emotional, I couldn't really process it yet. I remember laying in bed, and feeling so alone. The following day, we went back to the ER, because my leg was leaking some fluid. In my discharge papers, they said to seek medical care immediately if there was any fluid is leaking, so we did just that.  Luckily, it was just normal fluid, but even at the ER I had another major melt down. I just hated it. I hated the fixator, I hated my leg, I hated how I couldn't do anything for myself anymore, I hated being in pain, I hated going to the bathroom, I hated being weak, I hated it! I hated it! I hated it!

   Everyone told me it was okay, they understood, the fixator is going to come out soon, etc. Yes, they were right... but I didn't see it quite yet.

   Over the next few days things began to get a little easier. My family and my in laws would come down and help with me and my baby. Both my husband, and our families were doing everything they could to help make the situation easier and better. Most of the time, I stayed in bed, and rested (the percocet), and during my free time I would get into my wheelchair, and spend time in the living room with my families and my daughter.

   Some days were really good (no pain, felt happy, rested well), but then there were some days where I was completely miserable (felt lots of pain, felt weak, felt useless), and those miserable days were completely awful. 

   At first I would ask myself, "Why did this happen to me?", but after a while, I was very grateful I didn't have anything worse happen to me, like breaking both legs or snapping my neck. While this situation isn't awesome, I kind of had a feeling like maybe this is the universe's way of finally letting me get some rest, and for once focus on myself. Because to be perfectly honest, I was starting to get a little burnt out, and depressed. 

   Both mine, and my husband's families live very far, so I usually have my daughter 100% of the time. While that is not an issue, there were sometimes where I just needed a small break. Whether to  focus on cleaning, or cooking, or get some time to myself. Just a little help was what I really needed, but I really couldn't, because our families were so far away and my husband works the night shift, so he slept most of the day. 

   This also became hard, because during this time, my daughter was severely teething, and for a good couple of months she was waking up about 2-3 times a night, and sometimes would take a long time to go back to sleep. For a while I was able to handle it, but after a while, it started to affect me. So with the lack of sleep, constantly caring for my daughter, a house, a husband, and pets. I was starting to feel worn out. I was just exhausted, I was lucky if I was able to get a shower in. While I understand that's mom life, I just wanted a little help, or just a small break to recharge. 

   Now that I am resting (because I kind of have no choice lol), I decided to finally do something I really wanted for myself. I really wanted to go back into blogging and creating art again, so I decided today to make my blog. With this blog I just want to blog about my life, and the art I create along the way. While I have told you about how I got into this predicament, and why I started this blog, I never  really got to introduce myself. So here it is :D let me tell you about me...

   My name is Trisha, but for blogging and art purposes, please call me BLAZE. I am a 26 year old, mother of one, navy wife, going to school to get my BA in Fine Arts. I am an eclectic Wiccan, born in the year of the snake, and in the time of the Virgo. I like art, music (J-Pop), and video games. My dream is to publish my own comic book series, and if I get lucky, publish my own video games as well. On September 12, 2010, I was diagnosed with Raynaud's disease, and I hope one day I can contribute, and bring more awareness to Raynaud's disease. I also suffer from anxiety, and depression, it's a constant battle, but in the end, I always win. 

   I hope over time with this blog I can post lots of art or any creative projects I am working on. I want this blog to just share my life with the world and my journey as I create art, and my journey as I work to get my BA, and make my dreams come true! I hope you enjoy my journey as well! Here's to the future!

"Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all"

- Utada Hikaru

_BLAZE